Raising sons in the era of Sandy Hook

Gun rights have been all over the news and my Facebook feed lately – even in the staff room over lunch. When the horrific tragedy in Connecticut occurred Louis (8) was in the car driving to Michigan, innocently unaware. Knowing that there would be talk of the situation at school Peter informed him that a man shot and killed some students and a teacher, far away from where we live. As an adult I know that Connecticut is far from Ohio, but my children do not. It could be down the street. So we are very careful to guard what is on the TV and radio. However, in the world of non-stop news gun ownership and appreciation rallies are so prominent that we’d have to stick the boys in a bubble to avoid awareness of the nation’s dialogue.

Last week I was watching the local NBC affiliate at about 5:30 in the morning when Louis stumbled sleepily downstairs onto the couch with me. I changed the channel but not before he heard “gun rights following the Sandy Hook Elementary tragedy.” He asked me if they were talking about the children in Connecticut. I explained Yes. Some people think teachers should carry guns in school. He snorted that’s a terrible idea. I asked him why he thought so. Well, what if a really wild kid tries to get the gun and shoots it? You know, not a bad kid, just a wild one. He then asked my why the bad guy shot the children and teachers in Connecticut and had me confirm that Connecticut was far away. I explained it like this:

You when you get a paper cut? That’s a little cut that hurts. When you fall down and bust your knee open, that’s a bigger wound.

You know how Mommy has depression? Mine is the paper cut kind. Depression is like a cut in your head and your heart. To help me heal I take my medicine. I go to my talking doctor. I exercise.

The man who killed those people had a big wound in his head and heart. He thought he was a good guy. He didn’t get help to heal him. Lots of people don’t understand when people have hurt on the inside.

He asked why didn’t people understand how big his hurt was on the inside? I told him I didn’t know because I didn’t know the man or his family and friends. It’s our responsibility to be there for students & teachers at our own schools. We need to understand one another before the hurts get too big.

Guns don’t protect us. They are a last resort when life is being threatened. One image that my friend Jen and I have called to mind over the years is one of a mother bear. A mother bear becomes ferocious when her cub is threatened. Unlike a bear, we have the ability to discern life and death situations. We have been given the ability to respond to ignorance with love. To help those who really don’t understand our view with dialogue (preferably over coffee). Part of our job as “mother bear” is to guard and protect our children while they’re young. Isolate no. Protect yes.

What protection can we provide our children? How do we guard their hearts and lives? So many people are advocating for personal protection (AKA guns) in schools. Is this the answer?

Recently asked my friend Johanna if she would feel safer knowing another parent had a gun in their glove box when carpooling? Then we laughed. No! I wouldn’t feel safer. There are more risks for accidental shooting than there are for a life and death situation. She said, I have enough things to worry about – like furniture with corners! Do you know how easy it is to get hurt on corners? We laughed again looking at her round Ikea coffee table and thinking about every time one of our kids has bumped into a corner. If you have a kid, it has happened. Facing a death situation? Thankfully rare to non-existent.

What can we do? How do we prevent things like Sandy Hook from occurring?

• Teach them, really teach them. Not how to ace standardized tests. You know, life lessons.
• Focus on character – we want our children filled with qualities like love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control
• Model these qualities. If we’re not patient, how can we expect our children to wait? If we lose control of ourselves, then our children will too.
• Talk about things. Protect, guard, guide. Don’t insulate. You don’t have to go into details – just talk on their level. We don’t talk with Red about gun violence because at 4 he is unaware. We will when he’s ready.
• If your child asks a question, don’t blow them off! So many parents I’ve talked to feel ill-equipped to answer their child’s questions. If you feel inadequate look for help. The fact that your child is coming to you is huge! All of their questions are a big deal, even the little ones.
• Mental illness isn’t a dirty word even though it sometimes feels like one. I know. Every doctor’s visit I go to and have to check “psychiatric disorder” or “mental illness” related to my depression and anxiety I feel so vulnerable – Will this doctor, nurse, etc. understand I’m not crazy? If you have depression, then be open with your children. Let mine be the last generation to feel humiliation related to the label “mentally ill.”

The lessons we can teach our children don’t have to be overshadowed by media frenzy. Let their questions lead you in real conversation … even if it’s hard.